I don't know - I guess I just always had a thing for absolutism, probably due to the need for reliability.  Oh yeah, I also think that it's really cool that some things just are.  Therefore since young, I've always tried to figure out rules and universal truths that will work no matter what, when, where, who, and how.   For that reason, I use my brain a lot more than my heart.  There's another reason why I don't use my heart much, but that's a disheartening story that I'll spare myself telling and my possible readers, if any =)

Eventually I stumble across mathematics and science.  I did well.  Then I moved onto philosophy as I want to figure out the meaning of life in a more recognized way, but that didn't turn out too well as I realized there are a lot more in this world than I care to acknowledge, such as academic discussions that has almost absolutely no practical applications at all in my past and a long forseeable future.

Then, I cross paths with nothingness/buddism.  The only problem with that is the lack of passion.  Life without passion really can't be that great you know.  With passion though, I became sentimental, having lots of passion and emotions in everything I do, and I just find it so exhausting because about 50% of the time things don't go the way I want it and I got disappointed.  I recover much slower than my victory wind carries me, so that doesn't work out either.

Finally I go back to Jesus.  Everything works out then.  The great thing about Christianity is its relative absolutism, meaning while it has an absolute truth in a physical form, the bible, everybody's interpretation/personal version is a little different/relative, and so nobody can judge nobody else.  Another great thing about Christianity is that the judgement is based on spirits, not emotions, and not logics.  Therefore, all those "universal truths/rules" I've derived from daily experiences and observations no longer apply, and instead I need to learn the new spiritual ones, which open up a whole new world to me (while closing up the old ones by quite a bit).

As a result, I feel less limited.  Sometimes I feel like sky's the limit - I can do many things I couldn't do before when I had those silly logical rules.  I feel free now.

Owing to recent extreme hardwork at work, my rusty brain has gotten back to its previous "fit" state at college.  A lot of this recovery has to do with an absolute devotion to progress, and a steadfast faithfulness in Him.  Without Him, I think I would've been okay, but would only be charged with all the negative energies in the world, once again.  But I knew better, as I'd seen better.

A sad fact dawned on me:  I've wasted years chasing after my own emotions, emotions that never grew up because the person who's supposed to help, my biological father, is a child himself.  He never grew up either.  You know, old chinamen have only 2 rules in life:  Make $$$ and be famous.  The more fortunate ones may add power to the short list, but that's about it.  Growing up, to me, means one is emotionally mature and stable, knowing how to take care of others emotionally, and knowing how to connect all our emotions back to God.

Even though my father never grew up, he knew better too, he just didn't and still don't know how to teach it in the right way.  Actually in this case, it is a complete failure.  You cannot use dirty mud to clean a body, no matter how hard you try.  He knew better, but he couldn't do it.  Now that I realized this, it is actually very important for him to hear the gospel.   One day I gotta try again.

Back to growing up - now that I feel maturer than before, so what?  5 years down the road and I look back, I'll look down on myself again.  So why even bother?  No need to access, no need to judge, no need to regret, and certainly no need to give a point of anything for any point is limited unless it is one from God.  So what's my point of this entry?  I guess I'm trying to say although I wasted many years, I'm just glad that I recovered and met Jesus Christ.  These years is not a complete waste - it's a path He had arranged me to walk on.   I walked it.  I pray that He'll keep looking after me, and never let me be lost again...

Once we live in Him, heavenly happiness lives in our hearts, and before you know it, we'll be 70 yrs old and 1 step away from heaven...

Life is simply a journey - we all have to learn to appreciate every little thing in it, because life is supposed to be beautiful.  Some say winners smile during the journey and at their death, while upon which losers frown. 

Life is composed of a series of experiences.  Here's one great point of view I extracted from Dawson's Creek's Mr. Brooks:

Mr. Brooks: You are still young enough to fall in and out of love a few more times before you get it right.
Dawson: That doesn't sound like a lot of fun.
Mr. Brooks: It isn't. It is. And it isn't. But It's worth it every damn time.

How does this point fit into the universal theory of everything has two sides?  Well, if you want your life and the experiences to be beautiful and worthwhile, you must put in a lot of effort, and gone through heartaches and labor.  That is the price.  But it should be worth it =)